When one spouse is ill, how does that affect your sex life?
When one spouse is ill, how does that affect your sex life? Are you still able to connect sexually? When one partner's healthcare needs are front-and-center, do the other partner's sexual needs go unnoticed?
Meeting the well spouse’s sexual needs when one of you has an illness. Fictional couples Chad and Diane and Sherri and Jim handled this issue very differently.
Chad and Diane
“Come here, you” Diane’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Chad had been worried about her. “Mmm right here, Baby” Chad replied. He scooted back to snuggle into Diane as she spooned him. Diane found Chad’s warmth as comforting as the familiar contours of his chest and abdomen as she petted him affectionately. Their breathing settled into an easy rhythm and Chad thought they would fall asleep soon. He hoped Diane would recover soon. Chad hated to hear Diane’s painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Chad also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Chad sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Diane. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Chad was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Diane’s so sick?”
So Chad relished the affection as Diane stroked his chest and as Diane’s hand drifted down inside Chad’s pajama bottoms, he sprang instantly to full attention. “Oh God! Baby, are you sure?” Chad’s voice was a strangled moan as Diane’s hand expertly stroked and teased him in the sweet ways she had learned over the last 10 years of marriage. “Doesn’t it feel like I’m sure?” Diane giggled which set off another fit of coughing. She never lost her grip on her man. Diane kissed Chad’s shoulder blade and whispered,“You can’t kiss me cause I don’t want you to catch this crud, so tell me what you would do to me if I were well.” While Diane’s clever hand kept a good rhythm, Chad described in lurid detail how he wanted to lick suck and tantalize his wife as soon as she was well. Diane made small whimpering sounds of arousal and when her arm began to tire, Chad took over while Diane whispered encouragement. For a few precious moments, they were not the sick spouse and the well spouse, they were a couple.
Jim & Sherri
"You're shivering, babe, can I spoon you?" Jim asked. “I guess so” Sherri’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Jim had been worried about her. “I'm worried about you, hon, and I miss you” Jim said. He hoped Sherri would recover soon. Jim hated to hear Sherri's painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Jim also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Jim sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Sherri. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Jim was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Sherri’s so sick?”
Jim scooted forward to snuggle into Sherri as he spooned her. Jim felt close to his wife for the first time in 2 weeks and naturally his body reponded. “Oh please!" Sherri carped, "It's always about the sex with you, isn't it? Go sleep in the guest room if you can't keep yourself from bothering me!!" "Darlin I wasn't trying to..." Jim's voice trailed off. "That's what I get for trying" Jim muttered as he walked toward the guest room.
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January 25th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
What a great topic and two stunning examples of the ways it could go.
Thanks for sharing that.
I've struggled with this issue in the past. Hazard of a long time relationship. It's great when a spouse can acknowledge the need even if all they are up to is snuggling.
Todd Jordan´s last blog ..Accessibility 25 Words
January 25th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
My wife has scleraderma and lupus. She is the sole breadwinner since I lost my job last year. She is worked harder than she should be, but can't afford to slack off. We haven't had sex in about a year. It's not because she doesn't want it. She's waiting for me to want it. But I find I can't even think about it, with her in this condition.
I know, you didn't consider this degree of sickness. It's just that, when you know the illness your spouse will die from — probably not soon, but sooner than if she were healthy — well, that's a hard thing to put out of your mind.
January 25th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
You did it again, girl! You always manage to handle this topic with just the right balance of frankness with a G-rating. I fear Jim and Sherri represent the majority of couples who have been together a long time. It's wonderful that you didn't just discuss the problem academically, but depicted the problem in a way that folks can imagine and relate to. Hopefully people will learn from Chad and Diane.
Good job!
Jamie Inman´s last blog ..Breast Chek Kit on Prime Time
January 25th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Oh dear Anonymous! Your post brought tears to my eyes. Both of my parents are hospice chaplains so I am familiar with the heartbreaking and sensitive task of caring for a loved one who's dying. I will tell you what my mama would say. She'd say let your beloved wife live life loved and die happy. Make love to her every chance you get. And get some support for yourself to fill up your emotional cup so you can pour every molecule of love into your wife's heart and body. I want to emphasize of course it's a hard thing to put from your mind. You need love and support! This is a hard painful season you're in! Get what ever support you need to enable you to love your wife effectively.
Shula´s last blog ..When one spouse is ill, how does that affect your sex life?
January 25th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
Loverby just had a knee replacement. The second night in the hospital, I crawled into bed with him, for a snuggle. Sex wasn't the
goal, nor were we interested, however, connection and affection was needed. It was so sweet. The next day, one of the nurses said, "I noticed you two snuggling, so we left you alone. I wish more people knew how healing it was."
And because sexual healing isn't just something to sing about, we have found new ways to be creative as he recovers. His Dr. is amazed.
I believe that an overflow of emotional intimacy is what you have to have in the bank to withdraw sexual intimacy during the 'sick' times.
Kathleen´s last blog ..Music For Us Commoners
January 26th, 2010 at 7:37 am
A husband and wife have to know each other. If sickness drives down a spouse's interest in closeness of any kind, the other spouse needs to protect the affected one, and keep his/her distance. On the other hand, if sickness creates a craving for physical closeness, then being timid about meeting that need will not help. Know your spouse. Put him or her first.
Let's face it. Sickness does not bring out the best in us. It makes us weak, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Failing to meet the weakened spouse's need during the time of sickness is a love buster. It makes huge withdrawals from the love bank, and makes the overall relationship less sound.
Know your spouse. If she needs more closeness, give it. If he needs more space, respect that need.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:07 am
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January 26th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I encourage the women I work with (though it applies to men as well), to try to maintain an attitude of "maybe" when it comes to sex -- whether they feel well or not. Because the same responses could be given if the woman was eight months pregnant, tired from chasing after toddlers all day, or simply had a headache.
It's a choice we make - to either enter into an encounter with an attitude of trust and acceptance, or to find reasons to keep our partners at a distance.
I'll add that one idea that hurts situations like this is when one or both of the partners think of sex as something they want to "get." If sex is seen as a selfish need, then the well partner may feel guilty for wanting it, and the sick partner could feel resentful for being pursued. Hopefully, in a healthy relationship, sex can also be seen as something that you give, so the well partner can approach it as a way to bring comfort and healing to a partner, and the sick person can receive it as a loving gift.
Becky´s last blog ..From Sensory Overload to Sensual Calm
January 26th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
If someone had told me even two years ago that my husband and I would go nearly a year without having sex, I would not have believed them. Then our son died. Not only did grief kill my desire, but long-standing health problems exacerbated things. Because we were already dealing with some health related challenges in this area, when I might have been ready to have sex again, I thought about these challenges and just could not face any more grief and loss. Eventually I was ready to face this possibility.
So, Anonymous, don't give up. Get back in there! The physical challenges my husband and I deal with are unlikely to resolve themselves, thus we've had to learn to be creative, compassionate and patient. When I was a young wife, my husband was so amorous that I complained to a wise older pastor with whom I was counseling. He advised me to appreciate what we had because health problems could change things down the road. I took his advice and am really glad I did. I think the same principle applies now. I try to remain grateful for what we have, despite the challenges. Sometimes, I almost think we're in our 20s again ; )
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