Aunt Merlyn is a Grandma Diva. A great-grandmother, actually. She is 83 and looks 63. And when I hug her fragrant neck and stand back to be embraced in her radiant smile, she looks to me the same way she did at 53.  Aunt Merlyn has survived three husbands and lives alone in a comfy custom home on a shady tree-lined street in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Her bathroom is as big as my living room. Every night she takes a Calgon bubble bath in her huge jacuzzi tub then sits at her dressing table and sets her hair in pin curls. Every morning, she wakes early, tends the family of plants on her patio, does water exercises in her pool, then gets dressed in a beautiful outfit with full makeup. You could show up at her house on a random Wednesday and find her suitably dressed for either church or a tearoom. She is the Grande Dame of Tulsa.

My Uncle Bill, her first husband, was the love of her life. Whenever I would stay at their home, it was very normal to see them spontaneously break into a waltz in the kitchen. I remember one morning when I was in the kitchen, preparing fruit for breakfast, when Aunt Merlyn walked down the stairs from their bedroom into the kitchen.

She. Was. Radiant.

I remember looking up and seeing her, and before I had a chance to smile or say good morning, Aunt Merlyn said, "Honey, the longer you stay married, the lovemaking just gets sweeter and sweeter!" No good morning. No preamble. Just that marvelously pregnant statement. She was 55. I was 15. I didn't know what to say so i just smiled.

Meeting the well spouse’s sexual needs when one of you has an illness. Fictional couples Chad and Diane and Sherri and Jim handled this issue very differently.

Chad and Diane

“Come here, you” Diane’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Chad had been worried about her. “Mmm right here, Baby” Chad replied. He scooted back to snuggle into Diane as she spooned him. Diane found Chad’s warmth as comforting as the familiar contours of his chest and abdomen as she petted him affectionately. Their breathing settled into an easy rhythm and Chad thought they would fall asleep soon. He hoped Diane would recover soon. Chad hated to hear Diane’s painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Chad also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Chad sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Diane. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Chad was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Diane’s so sick?”

So Chad relished the affection as Diane stroked his chest and as Diane’s hand drifted down inside Chad’s pajama bottoms, he sprang instantly to full attention. “Oh God! Baby, are you sure?” Chad’s voice was a strangled moan as Diane’s hand expertly stroked and teased him in the sweet ways she had learned over the last 10 years of marriage. “Doesn’t it feel like I’m sure?” Diane giggled which set off another fit of coughing. She never lost her grip on her man. Diane kissed Chad’s shoulder blade and whispered,“You can’t kiss me cause I don’t want you to catch this crud, so tell me what you would do to me if I were well.” While Diane’s clever hand kept a good rhythm, Chad described in lurid detail how he wanted to lick suck and tantalize his wife as soon as she was well. Diane made small whimpering sounds of arousal and when her arm began to tire, Chad took over while Diane whispered encouragement. For a few precious moments, they were not the sick spouse and the well spouse, they were a couple.

Jim & Sherri

"You're shivering, babe, can I spoon you?" Jim asked. “I guess so” Sherri’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Jim had been worried about her. “I'm worried about you, hon, and I miss you” Jim said. He hoped Sherri would recover soon. Jim hated to hear Sherri's painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Jim also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Jim sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Sherri. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Jim was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Sherri’s so sick?”

Jim scooted forward to snuggle into Sherri as he spooned her. Jim felt close to his wife for the first time in 2 weeks and naturally his body reponded. “Oh please!" Sherri carped, "It's always about the sex with you, isn't it? Go sleep in the guest room if you can't keep yourself from bothering me!!" "Darlin I wasn't trying to..." Jim's voice trailed off. "That's what I get for trying" Jim muttered as he walked toward the guest room.

Here's what you'll need:

• Duncan Hines supermoist Dark Chocolate Fudge cake mix
• 3 large eggs
• 1 1/3 cups water
• 1/2 cup plus 1 Tbsp Extra Virgin coconut oil
• 16 oz. sour cream
• 16 0z. Cool Whip
• 16 oz. powdered sugar

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Pour cake mix, eggs and liquid coconut oil into mixing bowl and beat on medium high speed for 7 minutes.
   Note we are adding the same amount of water and same number of eggs recommended by the cake mix box but adding a bit more coconut oil. Extra virgin coconut oil is healthy so no need to skimp and we want this cake to be moist.
3. Grease the cake pans with solid coconut oil.  Coconut oil is solid at room temperature and liquid when it gets to 76 degrees. After you measure out the liquid oil, then place the jar in the freezer for 5 minutes to make it solid. No need to flour pans. Pans will be oily, not snowy white like Crisco. That's okay.
4. Pour the batter into 3 cake pans 8" or 9" in diameter. If you only have 2 cake pans, that's okay. It's better to make 3 layers if you can.
5. Bake for 25 minutes which is 10 minutes less than cake mix says. Test and see if the cakes are done by inserting a clean knife into the middle of the cake. If it comes out clean, they're done. If it comes out gooey, bake cake for 3 more minutes and check again. We want the cake to be as moist as possible without being gooey.
6. While the cake is baking, put a glass or metal mixing bowl into the freezer to cool. We'll use this bowl for the frosting.
7. Allow the cake to cool completely. This may take a while, so bake the cakes first and make the frosting while the layers cool.
8. While the layers are cooling, let's make the frosting.
   Add the sour cream and Cool Whip to the chilled mixing bowl and mix on high speed. Gently add the sugar while still mixing. Be gentle! You don't want a cloud of sugar in the air! Frosting will be fluffy and tangy sweet. Put frosting bowl back in the fridge while you prep the cake.
9. Prep the cake. So many people skip this step and wow does it make a cake taste like an amateur if you do. But you're gonna make a dreamy sensuous cake that tastes fabulous. Here's what you're gonna do. Gently touch the cake and make SURE it is not warm to the touch. If it's just room temperature, then transfer the cake to a dinner plate. Place the dinner  plate over the cake pan or cooling rack,  hold firmly with both hands, and flip the cake over to place it on the dinner plate. Look carefully around the perimeter of the cake and notice the dry edges that pulled away from the cake pan. These edges are hard and when we prep the cake, we're gonna remove them. Take a sharp knife and hold it at a 45 degree angle and gently cut off the outer edge of the cake. Once the cake is frosted, the rounded edges will be filled in with frosting, so don't worry!
10. Place the first layer on your cake plate, bottom side up. Smooth on a generous amount of frosting and smooth it out. The frosting in between the layers should be between 1/4 to 1/2 inch tall. Add the second and third layer and repeat the process. At this point, you may find the frosting starts to warm up and get a bit runny. Feel free to place the cake back in the fridge, and place the bowl of frosting back in the freezer for 5 minutes until it firms up. Set a timer! You don't want frozen frosting.
11. Once the frosting has firmed up a bit, use a spatula to smooth the frosting around the edges of the cake, filling in any gaps with frosting. This is a very moist frosting, due to the moisture in the sour cream. This is a good thing! Refrigerate the cake overnight and the moisture from the frosting will seep into the cake making this cake the most decadent moist cake you've ever put in your mouth.

The extra virgin coconut oil will add the taste and aroma of coconut to the chocolate cake. If you desire, you may add coconut on top of the frosting. If you choose to do this, buy Bakers' shredded coconut, pour into a bowl, and add a few drops of Borden Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk and stir. This will make the coconut extra moist and help it to stick nicely to the frosting.

Serve well chilled and slice soon after removing cake from the fridge. This cake is a gorgeous showstopper at parties and the extra frosting can used as body paint for a more intimate party for two. (wink)

Her question:
"I've been married to my husband for 12 years and have never had an orgasm. Now I've been on antidepressants for a few years, and the side effects of lexapro seem to have completely wiped out my chances of ever experiencing one. I see the whole thing as a lost cause."

My answer:
Sweetie, I have so been there. You are not alone. Here are some things to try that might really help.

First of all, there is a natural food substance that has some very encouraging test results at helping both orgasm AND depression. It’s called DHA, and when medical grade fish oil is taken in certain doses based on body weight, the DHA in the fish oil has been shown in clinical studies to remedy depression and make orgasms more easily experienced, more plentiful, and more intense. This has really worked for me personally. Before I go any further, let me be abundantly clear. I am NOT telling you to quit taking your medicine. I AM suggesting you consider the changes I made that worked for me.
1) Changed healthcare providers so my antidepressant medication was prescribed by a woman psychiatrist instead of a man psychiatrist. This made it much easier for me personally to talk about orgasm. Sexual health is a valid health topic but I personally found it much easier to talk to a woman about my womanly experience.
2) At the suggestion of my doctor, changed antidepressant from Prozac to Wellbutrin. SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) are famous for preventing orgasm. Which is pretty darn depressing if you ask me. Wellbutrin affects levels of dopamine in the brain instead of levels of serotonin which is why Wellbutrin has a MUCH lower risk of sexual side effects and it’s evah so much easier to come while taking Wellbutrin than Prozac. Certainly was for me.
3) Read and followed the protocol in the book The Orgasmic Diet. The girl who wrote this book has been there and done that and her research is impeccable. This is the DHA fish oil I was telling you about at the beginning. And please do read the book. Please do not run out to the nearest grocery store and buy an 8 dollar bottle of fish oil. Please get the medical grade stuff which has been tested to show the good results I’m talking about. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, and I don’t want you to be unnecessarily disappointed. Try the real protocol, don’t take short cuts.
4) Availed myself of those lovely things that go buzz in the night. Yes, I’m talking about a vibrator. They ought to be called the orgasm good fairy’s magic wand. Ah yes, I believe one of them actually is called a magic wand. Several women prefer the toy designed by a woman sex therapist called the Emotional Bliss Womolia. That’s the one I recommend you try.
5) Pray. I am not kidding. My favorite verse on prayer is from the Psalms. “the Lord will perfect that which concerns me” and it’s clear to me darlin that this lack of orgasm concerns you. It sure as heck concerned me when I experienced that lack. God cares about every detail of our lives. Pray specifically that you will experience orgasm. Do all the practical things you know to do, and pray that God will bless your efforts and crown you with success. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT). I am not kidding. Let’s pray right now. Our creator God, we bring to you your precious daughter who has not yet experienced an orgasm with her husband. Lord, we ask you to help her. We ask you to fill in the gaps and empower her to experience this gift from you. Lord we trust your generous good heart toward us as women if for no other reason than you inventing the clitoris and giving us something on our bodies that serves no other purpose than to give us pleasure. Release this precious woman into all the pleasure and joy you’ve called her to. We pray this in the name of Jesus, amen.
Hugs to you, darlin. Email me if you need me. askshula@sensuouswife.com

Well darlin, my answer is counterintuitive. If you want to really bless him, think about yourself more. I’d encourage you to initiate the things that are likely to arouse you and go for it when you find the sparks fly.

For example:
In the evening, when you step out of the shower and your honey is watching TV, take a hairbrush or comb from the bathroom and walk to the bed still nekkid*, hand him the brush, and say “Baby, brush my hair” and smile. He is very likely to say yes. You’re the only smiling nekkid woman in the room.

Now, this is the most important part: Enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it. Turn your whole focus and attention on your skin and scalp and hair. Lean your naked back against your husband’s chest. Notice how good this simple skin to skin contact feels. Feel the delightful pull of the brush going through your hair. Do not be afraid to sigh and say Ahhhh. Make whatever happy sounds you feel like making.

Now this is the part where your thoughts are so important. Do not allow any other thoughts to enter your head besides “he loves me” and “this feels good” and “I love him”. If any other thoughts enter your mind, let them go, by focusing on your skin and drinking in the sensations.

Imagine your spirit melting into his. Imagine his spirit melting into yours. Pretty soon, you’ll be wanting the rest of you to be touched and petted and fondled.

Move your body to expose whatever you want to be touched. Touch him back. Let yourself drink in the sensation and love you crave.
Give your husband the gift of knowing his wife is totally savoring his every touch.

There are some more overt, hot ways to initiate sex and we’ll talk about those in a future post. But first, I want to encourage this more “self-focused” approach. Get very used to the idea of going to your husband for touch that is loving and feels good. Get accustomed to receiving from him and receiving well. Get in the habit of letting yourself become aroused and following it up by seeking an orgasm with your husband. Train your body and your heart to anticipate pleasure with him and you will automatically find yourself initiating more.

* according to beloved Southern humorist Lewis Grizzard, Naked is having no clothes on, Nekkid is having no clothes on when you're up to sumthin'. (grin)

I want to live like that. I want to live in full bloom, fully showing my beauty, fully showing my glory, fully sharing my joy. I believe we bloom under the touch of someone who loves us. By bloom I mean we become our best selves, we develop into our full gorgeousness. Gorgeous spirit. Gorgeous body. Can't you just see the sparkle in a woman's eye when she knows she's loved? The peace on her face, the serenity?

Can being loved make you look younger? Research says it can.
According to research done by David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, making love 3 times a week in a stress-free relationship can make you look 10 years younger. Dr. Weeks studied more than 3500 men and women between the ages of 18 and 102. In his study, a panel of judges viewed the participants through a one way mirror and then guessed the age of each subject. A group of men and women were labeled 'super young' whose ages were underestimated by 7-12 years. Can you imagine?

I want to be like that, don't you? What choices are you willing to make so that you live in full bloom?
Love,
SW

I spent most of my day working in the office of my new consulting client. (see Holy Crap! I'm a self-employed single mama) While I'm thrilled with the way my store is doing, it will be a while until the store can sustain DC and me. So in the meantime, I'm reviving my corporate career and looking for gigs. I delivered some great results to my client today. They were so happy with the results I showed them that they gave me a raise on the spot. Wow! When I arrived back on my side of town, it had been 16 hours since I left home this morning. Ready to chill, but contented, I decided that the only thing that would make this evening more perfect was Guittard Fair Trade Dark Chocolate. So i drove to the grocery store. When I entered the store, I saw that flowers were on sale at a significant discount. Y'all know me and flowers, right? That's when I saw them, the perfect coralpink color of roses that i like so much. And blue iris were the perfect contrast.

I moseyed over to the wine section to get another bottle of the fabulous red wine that I had enjoyed at my friend's house for dinner last week.

Then over to the baking aisle to get the chocolate. Guittard Fair Trade, dontchaknow? My mercy me!

I was standing in line at the checkout when i realized. It looks like I am going home to romance my man. These are the same kind of goodies I bought for years in my marriage. The kind of goodies that made me sing out "Honnnneeee look what IIIIII founnnnnd" I smiled because I realized there's not a reason in the world I shouldn't still do this. No longer for my husband but for myself. And that felt so darn good.

So I got home and realized dangit all I cannot find a vase. A single vase. My china cabinet used to have several nice vases and I bet those were lost in the divorce. I was really getting bummed that I had these gorgeous flowers and nowhere to put them. For a brief moment I actually considered putting the bouquet in the glass pitcher of the blender just to keep them alive. I couldn't let the poor darlings die. I prayed, "Oh God don't let me have gone this far with the Sacred Romance and have the flowers die because all the vases are with Ex. That's just wrong."

And then I remembered the basil.

When I had the sweetest couple and their two adorable children over for dinner they brought me fresh basil from their garden. In a vase. I had been so focused on the basil, I had forgotten the vase. So I washed out the vase and wouldn't ya know it-the roses and iris fit perfectly.

Here is what I learned:

God still loves me even though I do not live with Ex anymore. I experienced so much of God's love during my years as a wife, I had to realize that God's love and God validating my desire for romance are still alive and kicking now that I'm single again.

I still love me even though I don't live with Ex anymore. Doing sweet nurturing things for myself are really important now. Perhaps even more important than when Ex did them from time to time.

Just because my sexual and spiritual awakening occurred during my married era doesn't mean it all blew up in smoke with my divorce. Quite the contrary. Cause I need God now more than ever. The simple act of recognizing and acknowledging my desire-truly owning it-is an act of faith. It takes faith to want something you can't make happen yourself. It takes faith to let yourself want when you must depend on God to supply that want in his way and his time. Cause y'all know I want to enjoy a sexual relationship. It would seem like a tremendous waste for me to never again unleash my passion on a man I adore and to receive every drop of the love he wanted to give me. For me to never again do that? That's just wrong. Which brings me to depending so much on God, because I want that kind of sharing to occur with a man who wants to marry me and for the purpose of developing a lifelong bond. And who else but God can supply that?

It's clear to me that the this era of my life is about learning from what went wrong in my first marriage, healing my heart and offering it one day at a time. I feel that I'm ready to share more often here and I will. About how God is healing me and what I'm learning on this stage of my journey from sensuous wife to single mama while remaining sensuous and seeking God about being a wife again, it's sure to be anything but boring.

Love y'all,
Shula

Dear Shula,
I've had one of those days working from home where everything goes wrong and I have got to get some things accomplished. I was just in the middle of an important email late this afternoon when my DH comes home from work, starts to nuzzle the back of my neck and whispers, "Wanna have a nooner?" The first thought that went through my head was "it's not even noon" and "crap, I have so much work to do!". He's going out of town on some kind of hunting/fishing trip with his buddies this weekend so I don't want to turn him down but sex is the LAST thing on my mind! What should I do?" ~Anxious

Dear Anxious,
Miss girl, you need to get laid. Seriously. All your work will still be there after the lovin'. You can stay up late tonight while he's gone and balance the checkbook and do that report for your boss. Here's what I think you should do. Take a few deep breaths and give yourself permission to play even though your work is not all the way done. You deserve time with your man. Really. And he deserves time with you. So go to him and tell him you'd want his help to get you in the mood. That'll get his attention for sure. Lead him to the couch and lay down with your head in his lap. Ask him to pet your hair and tell you things he loves about you. Could be he tells you you've got great boobs and he can't wait to see them. Maybe he'll tell you what a sweetheart you are and how he loves your compassionate heart. Don't be picky. Just receive the love. Breathe deeply and pay attention to your body. Notice the feel of the fabric on the couch cushions. Notice the smell of his cologne. Stretch your legs and feel your muscles start to relax. Reach up and play with his hair. Massage his scalp gently with your nails. Look into his eyes and remember that this is your favorite man of all. Smile and let your hands begin to wander and let nature take her course. Stay openminded and open to pleasure. You deserve it, honey!
Love, Shula

Tell her.
Tell her.
Tell her some of the four hundred ways she makes your world a better place.
Tell her you love the way the light touches her face when she stands near the window.
Tell her the air in the room is better simply because she's in the room.
Tell her you have got to have her tongue in your mouth right now.
Tell her that just the sound of her voice makes you hard.
Tell her that the reason your kids have turned out so great is that she is their mother.
Tell her that it's her you want to know all your secrets.
Tell her that reaching out your toe under the covers and finding her foot is one of life's sweetest things.
Tell her that to touch her hand is to come home.
Tell her.
Reach her.
Woo her.
Pursue her.
You'll be so glad you did.

~SW

(waiting for the collective gasp of shock)

I know darlings, I know. I was shocked too. If someone would have told me Delighted Husband would ever have sex with another woman, I would have told them they were out of their mind, that my husband would never do that. My agony and grief cannot be adequately put into words. But I am 5 months into the grieving process and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness are giving way to acceptance. My marriage to Delighted Husband is over. I'm not sure what else to call him but calling him Delighted Husband feels inappropriate. Until another name presents itself, I'll call him Ex.

I want to have no hatred. I made up my mind in the moments just after he told me the news. In the midst of the clean pain, a good decision welled up in my heart. I decided I would not throw away my tenderness, that my heart would remain tender and beautiful and not be overrun with bitterness and hate. I thank God for that choice for it has served me well. I will not allow hatred or revenge to choke out my sexuality and to remove my capacity for joy.

I decided to go ahead with opening my store and continue my blog. My heart and my story did not cease to exist with the end of my marriage. Can I act from the generosity of spirit required to operate a store that promotes great married sex and helps couples enjoy something I can't enjoy right now? Yes, I can. My experience of betrayal and loss has strengthened my resolve to promote healthy sex as a beautiful alternative to adultery. I have experienced the joy and healing power of healthy sex and the horror and grief when sex goes off the rails, and I haven't thrown out my lingerie, my toys, or my feminine energy. I still believe.

My parents have been married more than 40 years. That's my normal. That's how I was raised. That's what I want. In my deep heart, I believe I will someday marry again.

I will survive. And then I will thrive. I've done that before. But you know that already, don't you darlings?
Lots of love,
Shula