The question is not Will your heart ever feel desperate need? but What will you do with your desperate need when you feel it? Cause you'll experience desperate need. Everyone does.
Last night was a miserable restless night. A nightmare double feature where every one who has ever been cruel, unkind or rejecting in my life made a cameo appearance. I awoke feeling exhausted and beleaguered. A beggar soul. Bereft and alone. Despair weighed heavy. It was a battle for my heart.
Delighted Husband knew just what to do. He stood in front of me, half polished businessman and half sleepy husband. Thank God he hadn't put his shirt on yet. He drew me to his chest, and enfolded me in his arms. Cradled my head against his chest, his palm blessing my face with protective affection. And he prayed. He prayed for Jesus to defend me from the lies and tell me the truth about who I really am. "Yes" I whispered. "yes" The rejection and sorrow of the dreams fought for airtime on the movie screen in my mind. "tell me Baby. You tell me the truth" and so he did. He held me and caressed my hair and told me simple truth about my redemption. Who I really am. The reality the beauty of my redeemed heart. The good truth.
After Delighted Husband prayed, I had the strength to get out of bed and suit up for battle. I took my show on the road. Literally. I put on my running gear and hit the road. Ready to sweat it out. To let all the negativity be washed away by sunshine and sweat and worship. I scrolled through the songs on my mp3 player till I got to my favorite prayer. The one where John Eldredge prays over all the women at the Captivating retreat. As I walked and stretched and sweated, John did battle on my behalf. It felt so good. I breathed in good air and breathed out "yes. yes. yes Lord Jesus" agreeing with the prayer and renouncing the lies. This went on till John was done praying, a good ten minutes or so.
The noisy toxic chatter now silenced, I switched over to music. Chris Tomlin, God love him, Chris Tomlin was right there singing in my headphones:
What can take a dying man
raise him up to life again
what can heal the wounded soul
what can make us white as snow
what can fill the emptiness
what can mend our broken-ness?
mighty awesome wonderful
is the holy cross
where the lamb lay down his life
to lift us from the fall
mighty is
the power of the cross.
My heart and my muscles warmed up. The sun on my face and the trickle of sweat between my shoulder blades and the stretching moving rhythm of my legs as I picked up speed...all felt like mercy and life. I was waking up from a bad bad dream.
It was a glorious workout.
Stretching and cooldown was paradoxically more about my spirit even as I focused my attention on stretching my muscles. When VineyardUK sang, it felt like a personal invitation, just for me.
all who are thirsty
all who are weak
come to the fountain
dip your heart in the streams of life
let the pain and the sorrow
be washed away
on the waves of this mercy
as deep cries out to deep
we sing
come Lord Jesus come
wontcha come wontcha come Lord?
come Lord Jesus come
come Lord Jesus come
As I sang, I closed my eyes and visualized that place in my heart. That empty lonely place left rejected and alone by all those memories I'd dreamed about last night. I pictured that gap in my heart. And I sang with all the breath in my body:
come Lord Jesus come
wontcha come wontcha come Lord?
come Lord Jesus come
come Lord Jesus come
He did. Oh my God, y'all. He did. I felt those gaps in my heart filling up. The anxiety and insecurity melted away. That hole in my heart where I used to stuff chocolate. Oh my God. I focused on my need and sang out "come Lord Jesus" and he did. He really did.
Oh friends. It is so much easier to be kind when my nagging awful need is dealt with. So much easier to be kind to husband and children and customers and friends. So much easier to be kind, actually kind to my self. So much easier to be the sensuous generous wife I truly desire to be.
So take a lesson, ya'll.
When that place in your solar plexus is so empty is staggers you, cry out "Come Lord Jesus" and he will. He truly will. -SW
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