When one spouse is ill, how does that affect your sex life? Are you still able to connect sexually? When one partner's healthcare needs are front-and-center, do the other partner's sexual needs go unnoticed?

Meeting the well spouse’s sexual needs when one of you has an illness. Fictional couples Chad and Diane and Sherri and Jim handled this issue very differently.

Chad and Diane

“Come here, you” Diane’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Chad had been worried about her. “Mmm right here, Baby” Chad replied. He scooted back to snuggle into Diane as she spooned him. Diane found Chad’s warmth as comforting as the familiar contours of his chest and abdomen as she petted him affectionately. Their breathing settled into an easy rhythm and Chad thought they would fall asleep soon. He hoped Diane would recover soon. Chad hated to hear Diane’s painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Chad also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Chad sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Diane. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Chad was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Diane’s so sick?”

So Chad relished the affection as Diane stroked his chest and as Diane’s hand drifted down inside Chad’s pajama bottoms, he sprang instantly to full attention. “Oh God! Baby, are you sure?” Chad’s voice was a strangled moan as Diane’s hand expertly stroked and teased him in the sweet ways she had learned over the last 10 years of marriage. “Doesn’t it feel like I’m sure?” Diane giggled which set off another fit of coughing. She never lost her grip on her man. Diane kissed Chad’s shoulder blade and whispered,“You can’t kiss me cause I don’t want you to catch this crud, so tell me what you would do to me if I were well.” While Diane’s clever hand kept a good rhythm, Chad described in lurid detail how he wanted to lick suck and tantalize his wife as soon as she was well. Diane made small whimpering sounds of arousal and when her arm began to tire, Chad took over while Diane whispered encouragement. For a few precious moments, they were not the sick spouse and the well spouse, they were a couple.

Jim & Sherri

"You're shivering, babe, can I spoon you?" Jim asked. “I guess so” Sherri’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Jim had been worried about her. “I'm worried about you, hon, and I miss you” Jim said. He hoped Sherri would recover soon. Jim hated to hear Sherri's painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Jim also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Jim sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Sherri. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Jim was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Sherri’s so sick?”

Jim scooted forward to snuggle into Sherri as he spooned her. Jim felt close to his wife for the first time in 2 weeks and naturally his body reponded. “Oh please!" Sherri carped, "It's always about the sex with you, isn't it? Go sleep in the guest room if you can't keep yourself from bothering me!!" "Darlin I wasn't trying to..." Jim's voice trailed off. "That's what I get for trying" Jim muttered as he walked toward the guest room.

Beloved Annalea asked this great question:
"I'm not the greatest at initiating sex with my husband. I never turn him down and I do make the occassional offer on my own. Though he never fusses at me about it, I know he'd love it if I initiated more. Any ideas?"

Well darlin, my answer is counterintuitive. If you want to really bless him, think about yourself more. I’d encourage you to initiate the things that are likely to arouse you and go for it when you find the sparks fly.

For example:
In the evening, when you step out of the shower and your honey is watching TV, take a hairbrush or comb from the bathroom and walk to the bed still nekkid*, hand him the brush, and say “Baby, brush my hair” and smile. He is very likely to say yes. You’re the only smiling nekkid woman in the room.

Now, this is the most important part: Enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it. Turn your whole focus and attention on your skin and scalp and hair. Lean your naked back against your husband’s chest. Notice how good this simple skin to skin contact feels. Feel the delightful pull of the brush going through your hair. Do not be afraid to sigh and say Ahhhh. Make whatever happy sounds you feel like making.

Now this is the part where your thoughts are so important. Do not allow any other thoughts to enter your head besides “he loves me” and “this feels good” and “I love him”. If any other thoughts enter your mind, let them go, by focusing on your skin and drinking in the sensations.

Imagine your spirit melting into his. Imagine his spirit melting into yours. Pretty soon, you’ll be wanting the rest of you to be touched and petted and fondled.

Move your body to expose whatever you want to be touched. Touch him back. Let yourself drink in the sensation and love you crave.
Give your husband the gift of knowing his wife is totally savoring his every touch.

There are some more overt, hot ways to initiate sex and we’ll talk about those in a future post. But first, I want to encourage this more “self-focused” approach. Get very used to the idea of going to your husband for touch that is loving and feels good. Get accustomed to receiving from him and receiving well. Get in the habit of letting yourself become aroused and following it up by seeking an orgasm with your husband. Train your body and your heart to anticipate pleasure with him and you will automatically find yourself initiating more.

* according to beloved Southern humorist Lewis Grizzard, Naked is having no clothes on, Nekkid is having no clothes on when you're up to sumthin'. (grin)