Since the wedding vows "to have and to hold" and "keeping myself only unto you" describe the way we vow to give ourselves sexually to our spouse, perhaps looking at another vow and how that might look in behavior might make it easier to see the concept of claiming our sexual self, owning our sexual self and giving our sexual self to our spouse.

Let's use a financial analogy by looking at another of the wedding vows "with all my worldly goods I thee endow". Let's meet the fictional couple Jim and Sallie and see what we might learn from them.

Jim marries Sallie and they pool all their money in a joint account.
With me so far?
What if Sallie had an inheritance she didn't know about? Sallie would have to claim the inheritance, own it legally, and only then could she deposit those riches into Sallie and Jim's joint account.

I believe God has a rich inheritance of a healthy sexuality for every woman. She has to claim it and own it so she can give it.

If Sallie never went to the lawyers office and claimed her inheritance, would that money ever show up in their joint account?
No.

This business of claiming your inheritance from God is not fluff and it is not easy. It is discipleship and personal growth. Jim cannot claim Sallie's inheritance. Only Sallie can do that.

Wouldn't it be glorious if Sallie claimed her inheritance and deposited it into the joint account so she and Jim can together choose how to spend and enjoy and invest those riches?

Wouldn't it be awful if Sallie allowed fear to keep her from claiming her inheritance? Thereby witholding the riches from Jim and herself. Yeah. That would be awful. That's why I'm called to coach the Sallies of the world. Because so many Sallies and so many Jims are missing out.

august 24, 2011 2:15pm

After weeping through my letter to God, it occurs to me that the best way to choose myself happy is to deliberately think positive.

To write down what i DO want in the future instead of writing down what i DON'T want in the present. So I take a lesson from Cory and write this Letter #6 to my Future Husband.

Dear Future Husband,

I think about you a lot, pray for you, and savor you, and today is no exception.

I think about you during the workday. I imagine the comfort of knowing you’ll be there when we get home from work. The companionable ease that will wash over my soul simply because my best friend and lover is coming home to me tonight. I imagine how comfortable and lovely it will feel-you and me on the sofa-while you watch TV and I lay my head in your lap and you play with my hair while I read a book. I imagine the peaceful ease of that moment. And I realize how you could effortlessly turn that moment from comfort to arousal with your words and your touch.

When I think of us, I think of us always a breath away from arousal because we will cultivate the warmth and loving and wanting that keep us at a cozy simmer. We will resolve conflicts quickly-doing whatever it takes to get back to the cozy simmer we have grown to value so much. One of the best things about a cozy simmer is that it doesn’t take much to go from simmer to burn. And oh how I long to burn with you. You’ll come to know what a flirtatious diva I am, and oh, how I long to unleash her with you. I imagine you coming home from work and coming to kiss me hello and you find me standing at the stove cooking dinner while wearing black lace panties, black heels, an apron, and nothing else. I feel the thrill skip through my chest when I see your eyes light up with delight. And then a determined hunger comes over your face and I know you’re about to take me. And you do. Bend me over the kitchen table and pleasure me, drown me in your fierce love while the spaghetti sauce simmers unattended on the stove.

When we finally get around to eating dinner….(giggle)….I imagine the welcome you will find in my eyes when you tell me what irked you at work today. I imagine how fun it will feel to be your Beloved Ally. It will feel so good to my feminine heart to feel you grow stronger in my presence because you feel my intelligence and strength step up to stand beside you as you tell me of the battle you are facing. I imagine us reaching the point in the conversation where we know it’s time to stop talking. You look me in the eye and say “Let’s pray”. And we do. And I wield my Sword of the Spirit and stand beside you as we fight together. I love that God has made me both a prayer warrior and a woman and that the spiritual power and authority God flows through me makes me no less girly and feminine. I imagine what a deep joy it will be to feel your delight in me as we fight together full together wage war on our common enemy. I want to live in such a way that you look at me with admiration, respect, and love and thank God for giving you such a valiant brave woman as your Beloved Ally.

I think of so many other occasions, Dear One, when your strength will save the day.

When I need backup, you will fight for me. Cause you’re my Beloved Ally. If you overhear a sassy  comment from my teenage son, before I can say a word to him in reply, I hear your voice steady and calmly say, “Back it up, Buddy. Nobody talks to my wife like that. Try it again, respectful this time.” And I will feel SO LOVED because I was perfectly capable of standing up for myself, but I didn’t have to, because you stood up FOR me.

And when I am sick, you will take care of me. Bring me vitamins and medicine and soup. Baby me. Take a shower with me and wash my hair while I lean into your strong hand on the nape of my neck. Kneel by our bed and anoint me with oil and pray healing over me. If I close my eyes, I can feel how your hand on my forehead makes me feel comforted while I feel your strength and God’s strength pour into me.

I imagine you coming home from a long ordeal at work. We had talked and texted off and on throughout the day so I knew this project would have you working late. So I prayed for you. I left a covered dinner plate for you in the fridge. And I snuggled in our bed with a good book, waiting up for you. And when you walk into our room and drop your briefcase at the door, I see the bone deep exhaustion on your face. So I get out of bed and undress you silently. Gently shushing you if you speak. And I draw you into our bed, draw you into my heart, draw you into my nourishing sweet body. Oh the pleasure of infusing you with my love and energy with every touch!  When I hear your cry of release, I feel like the most privileged human being on Planet Earth. It is such a tremendous honor to unleash my feminine power to minister to you. I smile at God in the soft darkness of our bedroom, feeling him cheering on our victory. Ting! That’s my tiara sparkling. I fall asleep with a triumphant grin on my face, hearing the slow steady pace of your breath while you sleep.

Time to close this letter, darling. I hope you’re having a great day at work, Baby. And I hope you get your ass in gear and find me real soon! (giggling)

Love,
Me

I have been writing letters to my future husband ever since I read my friend Tricia Goyer's book Praying for Your Future Husband. Most of my letters will be for his eyes only. Sometimes I'll share them. Here's #5.

Dear Future Husband,

I've done a lot of thinking about you lately. My emotions have run the gamut of holy urgency--longing for your hands to cup my cheeks and your thumbs to cradle that sweet spot just behind my ears. Not to mention your breath on my skin. Holy God! (whose generosity and goodness are without question!)

Yet at the same time, darling, I've been mentally dragging my feet. Delighting in the beauty that I possess now yet wanting more time to change before we meet so I can be perfect for you. I took this thought to my Coach From Heaven (CFH) as the word 'perfect' begs a CFH discussion for sure.

CFH reassured me-as he is infinitely qualified to do-that there is no perfect. Neither you nor I will be perfect before or even during our union. As CFH assured me, perfect is the wrong goal to shoot for. The wrong lens through which to view the world.

Think of a sunset.

Can you at any one specific moment say that sunset is "perfect"?

Of course not. Because to do so would insult all those other sunset moments and accuse their particular cocktail of pink and gold and lavender as less than perfect.

Ridiculous thought isn't it?

The truth, my darling--the inescapable beautiful truth--is that Christ in you the hope of glory and Christ in me the hope of glory will be over the years continuously transforming you and me. All our lives. In joyful moments of breakthrough. In keen experiences of suffering. We are being formed more and more into the likeness of His Son.

And here's the beautiful part, darling. In those earthen moments when one of us bangs our shin on the sharp corner of the dishwasher door and blurts out an expletive or those moments when life takes a bend in the road and loss leaves us crying out our anger and frustration to God...
we are
both you and me
and our 'us' collectively
we are still just as beautiful as the shifting cocktail of color and light we call a sunset.

The beauty is and will still be there because we live out our lives under the loving gaze of this loving God who calls us his own and then sets about making that declaration true.  I'm speaking now of "Him who is able to keep us from falling and to make us stand in His presence blameless and with great joy."

Keywords:
Him
Able
Blameless
With Great Joy

Our perfection is His show. All we silly kids have to do is be His and let Him do His thing in our lives.
I'm so in. I'm so in on this deal, Baby. I promise to let God do His thing in my life and to love you with all of my heart while you let him do His thing in your life.

From where I sit--tears of joy and longing pouring from my eyes--every day that contains your strength, your voice, your touch, your warm companionable presence, and your mouth on mine--I couldn't call that day anything less than perfect. In the midst of life's messy imperfection. Oh do come and claim me quickly, would you love? Let's be imperfect together.

A pastor friend of mine talked to me recently and told me he was doing premarital counseling for a couple in his church whose wedding date is approaching. He told me he wanted a woman's perspective for the bride to be and he asked me if I'd be willing to share. Of course I said yes. Offering my encouragement, strength and hope is one of my favorite things ever.

Gotta love a man who knows how to lead a conversation. Following are his questions and my answers which the pastor printed and gave to the bride-to-be in a premarital counseling session.

~S

Pastor:  What is the best advice you got before getting married?
Me: My fiftysomething aunt told me "Honey the longer you stay married the lovemaking just get's sweeter and sweeter!" She was smiling and clearly looked like she meant it.

The best advice I got after I was married, so that's what I'm going to pass on. See below.

Pastor: What do you wish someone would have told you or you wish you'd have done differently?

Me: I cannot afford to spend any energy wishing I had done anything differently. Love boldly, repent when convicted, embrace a teachable spirit and move on with joy. I have gratitude and peace and no regrets. I'd hope the same for you.

Pastor: From what you’ve learned about feminine sexuality, what three things would you tell a young lady that is about to get married?

Me: Make the sacred irreversible life decision that you want every good thing God wants to grow in you and you will not settle or give up or back down when the personal growth becomes painful or costly. Sold out for Jesus. Like Jacob wrestled with the Angel and said "I won't let go till you bless me". This is a holy determination that will serve you well. This is what our stubbornness as women was designed to do: designed to make us stand and not give up for all the glory God wants to reveal in us. This is a big deal. This is not fluff. This is discipleship.

Take responsibility for your own emotional state. Differentiation is so important. It takes a tremendous amount of maturity and personal growth to live up to your erotic potential, and your overall life potential. A free heart and a godly sexual mindset is the most powerful sex organ you possess. Don't underestimate this.

Cultivate desire daily. Your sexuality is yours. You have to fully possess it in order to be able to fully give it. It is OKAY to WANT. The Christian world has thrown the baby out with the bathwater on the subject of purity saying all Desire is Lust. That's not true!  Sexual holiness is not repression or denial of desire. Sexual holiness is surrendering the HOW and WHEN you act on desire, surrendering the HOW and WHEN to the lordship of Christ. DESIRE is NOT WRONG. Calling all desire lust is like saying all stomach growling means you are plotting to snatch the sandwich out of the hand of the person sitting next to you. No. Get your own sandwich in a morally appropriate way. Hunger is not wrong. Satisfy the hunger in a righteous way. It's not a sin to feel the emotion and sensation of sexual desire any more than it is a sin to feel a hunger pang in your stomach. When a woman can own her sexual desire with a clean conscience she is 90% of the way to fulfillment in her sexual relationship with her husband. Tell yourself every day, "My desire for my husband is a good thing. My desire is a gift from God. My desire is good."

Make friends with your body. Get to know what kind of touch you like. It is completely appropriate and okay for you to touch your own body. I promise. It is an important way to own your body so you can fully give it to your husband. It is also a wonderful way for you to teach him what you like. And when you make the gift of yourself by allowing him to see you give yourself pleasure, your husband will be utterly convinced that you are the HOTTEST woman God ever made. And he will be right!

Choose to believe that your husband's desire for you is good. He is not a sex maniac if he wants to make love daily. In your mind, imagine every time that your husband's penis gets erect because of you that his body and his heart is giving you a standing ovation. His body is saying "You ROCK! I want YOU!". Feel complimented down deep in your soul when your husband gets hard for you, when he kisses and touches you. This is really important. Down inside your heart and your mind you have GOT to believe that is it okay to BOTH of you to WANT each other and to EXPLORE and ENJOY each other with a free heart and a clean conscience.

Now that you know your heart is good and your mind is good and your body is good....and now that you know that your husband's mind is good, his heart is good and his body is good, give yourselves permission to play! When you see him naked think "ooooh" and begin to touch lick and suck every inch of him. Well maybe not his eyeballs. But everything else. (giggle) Enjoy it when he wants to touch lick and suck every inch of you. You're his beautiful treasure. Speaking of beautiful treasure....

Lean in. I'm going to whisper something really important. You are the promised land. You're the gift. You are the soft fragrant place he goes on vacation. He is the exciting safe place you go on vacation. This is a sacred honor and a sacred trust before God. For the rest of your life, starting now until you are a hundred years old, I want you to walk around knowing you--the combination of your heart and your body--are Shangri La. I want you to know down deep in your soul that you are the sweetest most lovely and lifegiving destination in all the world. Carry this sweet secret knowledge inside of you all of your life. Honor it. And give it to him freely.

Pastor: Considering a husband and wife's potentially differing levels of libido, what advice/suggestions do you have for her as they likely will encounter challenges in this area?

Me: Now that you know desire is good and you know each other's bodies are good, whenever one of you has desire, then welcome the desire and honor your sacred trust to be the fragrant place your spouse goes on vacation. Unless you're like violently ill like with the Flu. Make the choice right from the get-go that all desire will be welcomed and honored and satisfied. Sometimes a snack. Sometimes a 3 course meal. But nobody goes hungry. I am not kidding. At the bare minimum, the horny spouse will be held and kissed by the other spouse while the horny spouse brings themselves to orgasm. And don't be surprised if the spouse who wasn't horny a few minutes ago gets horny when they witness the glory of their spouse's arousal and desire. If the less horny spouse finds themself feeling turned on while blessing their spouse, they can go for it and take a more active role in seeking their own pleasure in that lovemaking session. Make up your minds, both of you, from day one, that no one in this marriage is going to go hungry. Our holy honor before God is to be the sacred vacation destination NOT to be a prison where you starve someone in captivity. Would you adopt a pet, put them in a cage and then starve them? Of course not! That would be cruel and horrible. Don't do the same thing to your spouse by denying them sexually. To do that would be a grave dishonor against your sacred trust before God.

Pastor: What influence can your relationship with Christ and the Bible have on your marriage bed?

Me: For years, when I heard the phrase "Keep Christ at the center of your marriage", I thought it sounded vague and fluffy. Now this phrase has a very specific behavior attached to it-a behavior I believe is vital to a healthy relationship. Imagine both marriage partners hold a bucket in their hands. This represents their love tank. Keeping Christ at the center means each partner goes to God to get their love tank filled, then walks over to their partner, and pours the majority of their love all over their partner. Repeat hourly, daily, whatever it takes.

This concept came to me when I was reading Passionate Marriage and learning about the concepts of Differentiation and Self-soothing as important ways to build intimacy.

Differentiation says "I'm separate from my mate. I'm a healthy person who can choose to connect out of want, not need".

Self-soothing says "I'm okay whether or not my mate is choosing to give me what I want."

When I read this, a light bulb went off over my head, and I said "As a believer, the way I self-soothe is to plug into God and get my okayness from God instead of asking my spouse to grant me okayness." I have road-tested this and experienced some amazing results. I remember being in a particular discussion and my man said something to me that caused me tremendous pain. In that split second, I mentally turned to God and said, "Wow that really hurt. Okay God, how do you want me to handle this?" I listened for that still small voice in my heart before I said anything to my man. This went on for several seconds. My man said to me "You're very quiet." and I said "Well I am feeling pain after what you said and I know it's not healthy to repress my feelings so I'm taking those feelings to God and asking Him what He would have me say to you." And then I went back to silently listening for a few more seconds until I had clarity on what to say to my man. Then I said to him whatever I felt God would have me say. It was NOT what this sassy Irish gal would have said on my own and it was undoubtedly the right thing to say.

Even in the moment of a painful or angry discussion with your man, you are responsible to God for the words you allow to fly out of your mouth. It IS possible to self-soothe with God in the heat of the moment and not say something you might later regret. It's not "natural". It's a deliberate choice. But it IS possible. And it can yield some very good fruit. Not the least of which is the dignity of knowing you answer only to God and don't have to allow another human being to manipulate you or "push your buttons". There is so much dignity in serving Jesus. If you embrace this concept, it can make a world of difference in your own heart and in your relationship.

So to sum up a Christ-centered marriage:
Step 1: plug into God, get your heart filled.
Step 2: Pour your love all over your mate.
Step 3: Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Pastor: What specific advice would you give her so she can enjoy freedom in their marriage bed?

Me: What I shared with you in Step 5 will help to free your mind and heart.

Don't be afraid to use your words to tell your man what you like. This is nothing to be shy about. And it does not have to be an awkward conversation.  This can be very hot. For example:  "Give me your mouth. Put your hand here. A little to the left. Softer. Ohh yes baby, just like that. You feel soooo good."

Do not be afraid to make happy sounds. In a lovemaking session you might pant, growl, moan, sigh, gasp, scream or whimper. In one particular session, you might do one or all or none of the above. Give up any idea of what you're "supposed to" sound like. The point is to cut loose and not hold back. Being free to blurt out whatever sound you want to make is the point. And this could vary from day to day and the sound privacy of your location. This is why hotel sex is so fabulous because you can make all the noise you want. Be genuine. Be free. Unleash your true self.

Pastor: Assuming that the new bride might have inhibitions about going all the way with oral sex for him or receiving oral sex and trying for her own orgasm, what practical advice do you have?
Me: Think about a time that you had an itch on your back and you couldn't reach it so you asked someone to scratch it for you. You were focused. You were desperate. You blurted out directions "Down. Left. A little bit more to the--yes! that's it!" You could not quit until you were satisfied. Then ahhhh. Apply that same sort of focus to the experience of genital kissing and you will open up a whole new world of pleasure and connection.

Pastor: Anything else you want to add?

Me: Yes. Please make the choice to hear what I am about to say as something fresh and new without any of the hundred times you might have heard this. Okay? Here it is. Love one another. Down deep in your belly, carry a fierce devotion to one another and a tender regard for each other's hearts and wellbeing. Feel that sweetness in your heart, that loyalty, that tenderness and passionate devotion to your man and let it flow through your fingertips every time you touch him. Life is short and beautiful. Make the most of it. If you love like this, you will never regret it.

Guess what I heard today?

"my church believes that a man may still take wives as in the bible and the good Lord has blessed me with two wives
how do you feel about it ?
what is your opinion?"

My reply:

King David himself would not have been able to handle more than me.
I only perform to a sold out crowd of one season ticket holder. That's just how I roll. Thanks for asking.

Oh my gracious. I belly laughed until my sides ached. Bless his heart. He had no idea what he was askin' for! Never mind the whack theology, there's just not enough zinc in his body to keep up with more than me.

I am so thankful that Sheila over at To Love Honor and Vacuum posted on this important topic recently. This topic has come up a number of times on my blog, and I mention it every time someone interviews me about the store. But this is a topic that feels new and fresh for me every time I feel invited into this topic of discussion.

Both husbands and wives have told me how they have agonized over this subject. And I'm not being melodramatic when I say agonized. I remember a conversation I had with one husband in particular. His beautiful wife has Rheumatoid Arthritis and he told me she was "up for sex maybe every couple of months". The profound loneliness this husband described himself experiencing brought tears to my eyes. He loves her so much. He doesn't want any other woman. He is faithful to her, not giving his sexuality over to porn or any other woman. He gives her frequent massages to help her alleviate her arthritis pain and after she falls asleep, he is left aroused, in love, and alone. He has only 1 partner he can be sexual with and she is mostly not available. He is determined to be faithful to her--his love for God and his love for her demands that faithfulness--but he feels alone on a profound level.

He asked me what I would suggest.

Here is what I said to him: "Would you be willing to surrender the idea of an intimate moment between you and your wife as only consisting of PIV intercourse leading to orgasms for you both? Would you be willing to consider a new concept of both of you experiencing love and closeness and orgasm in each other's presence--through a variety of ways?"

I went on to describe some options they could choose:

• Cuddling, kissing, "making out" followed by his bringing her to orgasm through oral sex.
• Cuddling, kissing, "making out" followed by his bringing her to orgasm by using his hands on her clitoris and vagina.
• Cuddling, kissing, "making out" followed by his bringing himself  to orgasm by using his hands on himself while she kisses him or looks at him lovingly while whispering erotic encouragement and endearment to him.
• Cuddling, kissing, "making out" followed by them bringing each other to orgasm through oral sex (aka 69) in a position where she feels comfortable and supported  by pillows or a Liberator shape.
• Cuddling, kissing, "making out" followed by her bringing him to orgasm through oral sex.
• Cuddling, kissing, "making out" followed by her bringing him to orgasm using her hands. (Perhaps with them "taking turns" where he uses his hands for a while if her hands or arms feel tired.)
• Cuddling, kissing, "making out" followed by her bringing him close to the point of orgasm through oral sex then moving into a PIV intercourse position that feels comfortable to her for the last few minutes so they can have the bonding experience of him finishing inside of her.

I could go on. By the time I listed these several ideas, I could tell he had begun to think creatively. He had begun to believe that sex "outside of the box" could indeed be very pleasurable and very satisfying.

1. First of all the two of you have to be honest about the situation. What are the actual facts? For example, arthritis in her knee means a position that requires her to kneel like rear-entry (aka doggy style) causes her pain.
2. Then you have to dare to hope that your situation can get better in any number of ways:

• Perhaps the physical cause of your pain can improve with treatment.
  For example, painful intercourse caused by a uterine prolapse can be alleviated by surgery.
• Perhaps the disconnect in sexual intimacy can be resolved by trying sexual health products, new positions, or new ways to make love (like the options I described earlier).
• Asking God to lead you and to help make your situation better.
• In the interim, while you are considering some creative solutions, decide to put the higher-drive spouse's sexuality on life-support by committing to cuddle and kiss and make out and experience pleasure together while hopefully both of you and certainly the higher drive spouse brings themselves to orgasm in their spouse's loving presence.

Putting your spouse's sexuality on life-support may sound like an extreme phrase. The reality is, that your spouse's sexual self is precious and created by God. Your spouse's sexual self needs you. Front and center. Even if you have physical pain, I exhort you to show up and be present for your spouse's sexual self. They need you.

One final encouragement to the spouse who has chronic pain. You can't outgive God. If you decide to follow God's prompting in your heart and choose to reach out and offer your self as a sweet companion for your spouse's erotic self, you will be blessed. You can go to sleep with a contented heart that knows you offered your heart and your self as "love poured out". Your spouse's erotic self is a gift to you. Underneath all that chronic pain, you have an erotic self too. When you choose to engage, even with a motivation of ministry to your honey, your erotic self will get the attention she also needs.

You're worth it. And so is he.

I heard this years ago and have always loved it.

If you pray for rain, do you carry an umbrella? If you ask God to do something, are you acting as if it is going to happen? Are you prepared for the answer to your prayer when it shows up?

Those of you who know me, especially those of you who know me really well, are going to find this extremely funny.

Most of you know I am asking God for a godly nourishing marriage that includes lots of sexual refreshment. So the question put before me is "Okay Shula, you're praying for all this loving relationship and great married sex, what are you doing to make yourself ready?"

This is where it gets funny.

Remember that doctor visit I told you about recently? The one where the doc gave me the white-coat lecture and told me I was exhausted? Well guess what else he told me?

He told me my pelvic bones are still unstable and subject to move out of alignment because my ligaments still aren't strong enough to hold them in place. He set the treatment goal of me receiving a series of treatments to strengthen my ligaments so my pelvis would remain stable and my bones would remain in proper alignment. He them gave me a series of treatments to put my bones back in alignment and told me "Your body is still very fragile. Do not go dancing. Do not (and he gave me a list of exercises to avoid). Once the ligaments in your sacrum and pelvis are healed and strengthened enough to hold your bones in alignment, then you will be ready for more strenuous activity".

More strenuous activity. Didya get that folks? More strenuous activity.

So here's the Shulamite translation:

You have prayed for a husband

a healthy marriage

a healthy vigorous active sexual relationship.

So, believe God is going to answer your prayer.

Believe the answer is coming.

Prepare your pelvis for the glorious onslaught.

Strengthen your ligaments! Get ready!

(resounding bawdy laughter)

I prayed for rain. Now, I've got to start carrying an umbrella. Or to start, I've got to get my umbrella repaired. (fit of giggles)

If I could tell the world who I am and what I want, this is what I would say.

She loves the Lord with all of her heart and has made the conscious decision to let the Lord Jesus have his way in her life.

She loves her son, her family, her friends with a passionate devotion, makes them a priority in her life. She wants to love her man like this too.

She is an unashamed complete godly horndog. Has a strong desire for sex, both as romance and as raw uninhibited fucking.

She has such a high regard for the creative power of free sexual expression that she will only fully release her eroticism inside the boundary of marriage and within that boundary every pleasure is delightfully welcomed.

She is generous with her heart, her energy, her money, and her time.

She has tasted suffering and allowed it to make her compassionate.

She draws great joy from cultivating and offering her beauty. She is a regular at the nail salon and hair salon and her Bible study girlfriends help keep her heart beautiful.

She owns an ever-increasing collection of lingerie and fuck me shoes.

She is equally at ease in a boardroom with a CEO or conducting a training class wearing a hard hat. She's a leader in her field with established expertise in her profession.

She is an excellent cook and hostess who makes her guests feel special and at ease.

She is quick to laugh and eager to serve.

She has a sweet singing voice and a soft hand to hold.

She is eager to be chased, taken, loved, adored, pursued and taken care of.

She wants to be respected and cherished at a deep heart level by a man who loves the Lord first and has signed a blank check with his life, loves her second, and invites her to inhabit a place of honor and priority in his life.

She wants her man to truly see her and treasure her for her self, not just for what she has or what she can do.

She wants her man to love her son, recognizing that her son already has a great dad and that the sweetest impact he can have on her son's life is to show him by example what it means to love a woman.

Her strength and achievements do not make her impenetrable.

Quite the contrary, she is eager for a man's strength to invade her tenderness physically emotionally and spiritually.
She is loyal to the end and good to the last drop.

She is all woman. She is very real. She is waiting.

I want to tell you about my Aunt Merlyn and why a week at her house was the best thing that could have happened to me for summer vacation.

Aunt Merlyn is a Grandma Diva. A great-grandmother, actually. She is 83 and looks 63. And when I hug her fragrant neck and stand back to be embraced in her radiant smile, she looks to me the same way she did at 53.  Aunt Merlyn has survived three husbands and lives alone in a comfy custom home on a shady tree-lined street in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Her bathroom is as big as my living room. Every night she takes a Calgon bubble bath in her huge jacuzzi tub then sits at her dressing table and sets her hair in pin curls. Every morning, she wakes early, tends the family of plants on her patio, does water exercises in her pool, then gets dressed in a beautiful outfit with full makeup. You could show up at her house on a random Wednesday and find her suitably dressed for either church or a tearoom. She is the Grande Dame of Tulsa.

My Uncle Bill, her first husband, was the love of her life. Whenever I would stay at their home, it was very normal to see them spontaneously break into a waltz in the kitchen. I remember one morning when I was in the kitchen, preparing fruit for breakfast, when Aunt Merlyn walked down the stairs from their bedroom into the kitchen.

She. Was. Radiant.

I remember looking up and seeing her, and before I had a chance to smile or say good morning, Aunt Merlyn said, "Honey, the longer you stay married, the lovemaking just gets sweeter and sweeter!" No good morning. No preamble. Just that marvelously pregnant statement. She was 55. I was 15. I didn't know what to say so i just smiled.

When one spouse is ill, how does that affect your sex life? Are you still able to connect sexually? When one partner's healthcare needs are front-and-center, do the other partner's sexual needs go unnoticed?

Meeting the well spouse’s sexual needs when one of you has an illness. Fictional couples Chad and Diane and Sherri and Jim handled this issue very differently.

Chad and Diane

“Come here, you” Diane’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Chad had been worried about her. “Mmm right here, Baby” Chad replied. He scooted back to snuggle into Diane as she spooned him. Diane found Chad’s warmth as comforting as the familiar contours of his chest and abdomen as she petted him affectionately. Their breathing settled into an easy rhythm and Chad thought they would fall asleep soon. He hoped Diane would recover soon. Chad hated to hear Diane’s painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Chad also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Chad sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Diane. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Chad was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Diane’s so sick?”

So Chad relished the affection as Diane stroked his chest and as Diane’s hand drifted down inside Chad’s pajama bottoms, he sprang instantly to full attention. “Oh God! Baby, are you sure?” Chad’s voice was a strangled moan as Diane’s hand expertly stroked and teased him in the sweet ways she had learned over the last 10 years of marriage. “Doesn’t it feel like I’m sure?” Diane giggled which set off another fit of coughing. She never lost her grip on her man. Diane kissed Chad’s shoulder blade and whispered,“You can’t kiss me cause I don’t want you to catch this crud, so tell me what you would do to me if I were well.” While Diane’s clever hand kept a good rhythm, Chad described in lurid detail how he wanted to lick suck and tantalize his wife as soon as she was well. Diane made small whimpering sounds of arousal and when her arm began to tire, Chad took over while Diane whispered encouragement. For a few precious moments, they were not the sick spouse and the well spouse, they were a couple.

Jim & Sherri

"You're shivering, babe, can I spoon you?" Jim asked. “I guess so” Sherri’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Jim had been worried about her. “I'm worried about you, hon, and I miss you” Jim said. He hoped Sherri would recover soon. Jim hated to hear Sherri's painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Jim also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Jim sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Sherri. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Jim was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Jim muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Sherri’s so sick?”

Jim scooted forward to snuggle into Sherri as he spooned her. Jim felt close to his wife for the first time in 2 weeks and naturally his body reponded. “Oh please!" Sherri carped, "It's always about the sex with you, isn't it? Go sleep in the guest room if you can't keep yourself from bothering me!!" "Darlin I wasn't trying to..." Jim's voice trailed off. "That's what I get for trying" Jim muttered as he walked toward the guest room.