I walked through a department store this week. The store usually plays piano music, it's sort of their signature. But when I was there, just at the moment I walked in, they played the recording of Tony Bennett singing "The Best is Yet to Come". I looked up at the ceiling, smiled and said to God, "You are such a show off! 
Ok Jesus you've got good stuff for me in my future".
 |
A whole lotta changes in my life lately. DS, my dog, and I have moved out of our apartment and into a townhome, and Sweetheart and I broke up. As you can imagine, I've experienced a lot of emotion lately. Emotionally, spiritually, and literally, I am sorting through and unpacking. The townhome is unpacked enough to be functional, but as busy as I am, it will be a good while until everything is unpacked. The same could be said of my heart. There was both beauty and heartbreak in my relationship with him. There were good lessons learned, and I don't want to believe lies about myself or reject the good in my haste and grief.
Friends helped me pack up my apartment and move to the townhome, and another friend is helping me unpack the emotional and spiritual boxes in my heart. I'm working with a spiritual director and I feel very hopeful and good about it.
I'm especially thankful to God for the prayer I've received on the phone in the past several days.
This song sung by Fernando Ortega really touched my heart.
|
When one spouse is ill, how does that affect your sex life? Are you still able to connect sexually? When one partner's healthcare needs are front-and-center, do the other partner's sexual needs go unnoticed?
Meeting the well spouse’s sexual needs when one of you has an illness. Fictional couples Chad and Diane and Sherri and Jim handled this issue very differently.
Chad and Diane
“Come here, you” Diane’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Chad had been worried about her. “Mmm right here, Baby” Chad replied. He scooted back to snuggle into Diane as she spooned him. Diane found Chad’s warmth as comforting as the familiar contours of his chest and abdomen as she petted him affectionately. Their breathing settled into an easy rhythm and Chad thought they would fall asleep soon. He hoped Diane would recover soon. Chad hated to hear Diane’s painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Chad also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Chad sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Diane. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Chad was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Diane’s so sick?”
So Chad relished the affection as Diane stroked his chest and as Diane’s hand drifted down inside Chad’s pajama bottoms, he sprang instantly to full attention. “Oh God! Baby, are you sure?” Chad’s voice was a strangled moan as Diane’s hand expertly stroked and teased him in the sweet ways she had learned over the last 10 years of marriage. “Doesn’t it feel like I’m sure?” Diane giggled which set off another fit of coughing. She never lost her grip on her man. Diane kissed Chad’s shoulder blade and whispered,“You can’t kiss me cause I don’t want you to catch this crud, so tell me what you would do to me if I were well.” While Diane’s clever hand kept a good rhythm, Chad described in lurid detail how he wanted to lick suck and tantalize his wife as soon as she was well. Diane made small whimpering sounds of arousal and when her arm began to tire, Chad took over while Diane whispered encouragement. For a few precious moments, they were not the sick spouse and the well spouse, they were a couple.
Jim & Sherri
"You're shivering, babe, can I spoon you?" Jim asked. “I guess so” Sherri’s raspy whisper did not sound like her usual voice. A bad cold had turned into bronchitis and Jim had been worried about her. “I'm worried about you, hon, and I miss you” Jim said. He hoped Sherri would recover soon. Jim hated to hear Sherri's painful cough and he wanted to see his baby well again. Jim also missed his lover. It had been nearly two weeks since they made love and Jim sensed the need for connection and release was making him feel irritable and anxious. He made a deliberate choice to keep the tension from showing when he talked to Sherri. He knew it wasn’t her fault and Jim was much more worried about his wife than he was his own needs. “I love her and of course I want her” Chad muttered to himself yesterday, “but how can I think about sex when Sherri’s so sick?”
Jim scooted forward to snuggle into Sherri as he spooned her. Jim felt close to his wife for the first time in 2 weeks and naturally his body reponded. “Oh please!" Sherri carped, "It's always about the sex with you, isn't it? Go sleep in the guest room if you can't keep yourself from bothering me!!" "Darlin I wasn't trying to..." Jim's voice trailed off. "That's what I get for trying" Jim muttered as he walked toward the guest room.
|
It’s January. Perhaps you can relate to my girlfriends who are telling me things like “I have a muffin top waistline from too many Christmas goodies” “I know too many weeks pass between the times my husband and I make love but I'm not sure what to do about it.” “I spent too much to make the Christmas extra special for my kids and now money is tight and so are my jeans” “I hate January cause I feel so tired from the Holiday rush and I feel guilty about resolutions” If you’re like a lot of women I know, January can make you feel more than a little overwhelmed. Maybe the topic of sensuousnews causes thoughts like these to run through your head: “And now Miss Girl here wants to tell me how to be more sensuous. One more shortcoming to work on.”
Oh lovely tired woman.
Sit down here on the sofa next to me and let me tell you something.
The lovely beginning of this journey starts with--oh shoot, lemme let Sara Groves say it cause she says it so fabulously already.
Listen to this, dear ones: (and when Sara says ‘a person’ put your name there instead. I’ll do my friend Cori’s name as an example)
Lovin’ Cori just the way they are, it’s no small thing.
It takes some time to see things through.
Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting.
We need grace either way.
Hold on to me
and I’ll hold on to you
Let’s find out
the beauty of seeing things through.
There’s a lot of pain in reachin’ out and tryin’
it’s a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces, baby
and only one makes you free.
Hold on to me
and I’ll hold on to you
Let’s find out
the beauty of seeing things through.
If we go lookin’ for offense,
we’re gonna find it.
If we go lookin’ for real love,
we’re gonna find it.
Hold on to me
and I’ll hold on to you
Let’s find out
the beauty of seeing things through.
Lovin’ Cori just the way they are, it’s no small thing.
That’s the whole thing.
Lovin’ me just the way I am, it’s no small thing.
Takes some time, takes some time, takes some time, takes some time.
Loving yourself right where you are. That’s the first step. I believe deep down in my heart that 2010 is your year of a sensuous you. I really truly believe that a series of tiny sensuous miracles will happen for you this year. Being a sensuous you is not a destination. It’s a journey. We’ll go there together. Hold on to me, and I’ll hold on to you. Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through.
|
I just don't get it. Well (snicker) you know I don't get it until I marry my sweetheart (giggle) but seriously, I don't get it why sex is nearly always portrayed as the wife meeting the husband's need? Why not her need too? Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to meeting Sweetheart's sexual needs more than anything. And I joyfully met my first husband's sexual needs for many years. But I'll never forget what a huge paradigm shift it was for me to realize that I have sexual needs too. As a wife, as a woman, as a lover, embracing and cultivating that awareness of my sexual needs made all the difference in the world. I was not a martyr, I was a hot mama!
So many times, I read Christian women's blogs talking about sex, they are talking about spiritual reasons to do what they know they should do (make love to their husband) and do it with a servant heart. Now I believe that serving one another in marriage is the real deal. It's very important. But if wives aren't having fun in the bedroom, then serving him can start to feel like martyrdom. And who wants to make love to a martyr? Who wants to be a martyr? I believe that if a woman knows how mindblowing sex can be, she will want to make love on a regular basis.
I want to hold every Christian wife by the hand and say, "Oh darling there are oceans of pleasure available to you! You have sexual needs. Cultivate them! Embrace them! Get in tune with your desires and let your man bless you. You will rock his world and yours too!"
|
It's a quiet contented kind of night. I'm enjoying a cuppa coffee and a new novel. I called to check on my sweet DC and he was watching a movie with his Dad. I talked to Sweetheart earlier. He's hanging out at his place sorting through Christmas decorations. And a tear filled my eye as this sweet longing pierced my heart. I wish Sweetheart and DC and me were all hanging out doin' our thing but together at my house.
I think he is the real deal.
|
He's been my friend on twitter for quite a while and hoo-boy! Get a look at what @recreate has been up to! Randy Elrod has been writing a book on my favorite theme of helping people connect the dots between sexuality and spirituality. His book is called Sex Lies and Religion. He asked the question, "Why do we have sex?" and as you can imagine he received many many answers. Well of course, this question struck a nerve with me. A happy happy nerve. Because it reminded me of my mission. To help women connect with their sexuality in a healthy way.
And I'm fiftykindsofgrateful for that reminder. That gentle nudge back to my calling. And I'll tell you why.
My apartment needs a good tidying. I'm behind on laundry. I'm caught up on sleep, thanksbetoGod. My bills are paid, but I do need to balance the checkbook. My muscles are tight from skipping the gym for the last 3 months. My corporate writing gig, the one I am grateful for, has sucked the life out of me because it has dominated my time. This morning I was praying, "help me reconnect with my SensuousWife mission". And then I read Sheila Walsh's retweet of Randy's question. Why do we have sex? And answers sprang to mind effortlessly. Bing! I was right on track.
The answers I shared were:
I'm honored that Randy included my tweets in his blog post here.
So, darlings. Randy's poll is closed, but I'd really like to hear your response. What do you think? What do you feel about this?
Why do we have sex?
|
I'm overworked and underslept and somehow I'm staying sensuous. Wake up at 5am. Dress. Feed dog. Wake DC. Ask DC to take dog out. Grab protein shake and herd DC out the door. Take DC to bus stop at Ex's house. Drive to technical writing client's office. Work 10 hours. Drive home. Run errand. Make dinner. Serve dinner. Clean up after dinner or coach DC to clean up after dinner. Homework patrol. Bedtime. Repeat next day.
Somehow I'm staying sensuous. Here's what's working for me:
What works for you?
How do you stay sensuous even when you're super busy?
|
I'm not gonna do this every week but every now and then I get a hankering to repost a favorite blog post. I call this hankering Flashback Friday.
Today, I'm thinking about a beautiful evening I enjoyed before and after the trick-or-treaters rang my doorbell.
From November 1st, 2007, here is the post in its entirety:
I'm learning that saving time to be together is important and that you don't have to feel energetic and horny before you walk in the bedroom in order to have a beautiful pleasurable evening. Some of you have known this for years. For me, it's big news.
I knew Delighted Husband and I had saved this evening for each other. And on evenings we plan to be together, I usually save some mental and physical energy for him and deliberately think carnal thoughts all day in anticipation. But I didn't this last time. I had a good but busy day at work, had an emotionally uplifting lunch with my girlfriends, and had a challenging couple of hours helping the DC with their homework and coaching them through several tudes. By the end of the two hours, I felt wrung out like a sponge. I went to DH and said "I need skin to skin for a few minutes. I"m worn out." He was quick to oblige, as he had heard me calmly standing my ground with the children who were trying to turn "bitch moan and argue with mom" into an Olympic sport.
We locked ourselves in our room and quickly got naked for some cuddles. I sighed with comfort and pleasure as I nestled into his arms. "Remind me" I asked. And so he did. Delighted Husband gave me two or three sentences reminding me good things about myself. Words of affirmation and physical touch together are a powerful combination. I began to feel myself recharge, like a dead cell phone on a charger lighting up again. We cuddled and caressed each other and without trying, words spilled out of my mouth, complimenting him and loving on him. Reminding him what a wonderful man he was. Which took absolutely no effort to come up with affirming words considering how loving he had just shown himself to be.
This wasn't steamy talk by any means. Our skin-to-skin contact was for bonding and affirmation, not arousing. It was the "sharing your heart's life force" definition of Eros, not the "tingly thrilling do me" definition of Eros. Our fifteen minutes passed quickly and the doorbell ringing with the first trick or treaters told us our time was up.
I went to get dinner going and DH took over door duty with the trick or treaters.
Dinner was yummy and punctuated by doorbell ringing every few minutes. It was fun to chat with the neighbors, although difficult to eat between visitors, but what do we expect?
Finally got the DC tucked in after their sugar rush, and DH and I knew our "date" time had arrived. We were both tired and achy, but wanted to be together. Both of us said something to this effect while we were standing in the kitchen. We decided to go for it and see what God might do for us.
Walking in our bedroom and locking the door was an act of faith. We had zero tingly erotic urgency. Our muscles were tired and achy. But we felt emotionally connected and a desire to make the most of the opportunity. After all, we were in our bedroom at 9pm with kids already tucked in their own beds. Just watching TV or going to sleep would feel like we squandered an opportunity.
I suggested a massage and spread the liberator throe over the comforter to keep massage oil off the bed. After joking over whose turn it would be first, I laid down on my back with my knees supported by the liberator whirl. This is where the first of many miracles happened. It didn't take five minutes of smelling him and feeling him touch me that I was very aroused. As our arousal became more visible, we kept joking, "I'm too tired" "Oh me too. I'm way too tired." That position actually did become tiring for Delighted Husband so we switched so he could lie down with the whirl under his knees. I became the active pleasurer which I enjoyed very much. DH let me know how much pleasure he was receiving which of course made my heart feel that good feeling you get inside when you know somebody is enjoying the gift you gave them. It was also a huge turn-on. We warmed to the task. Delighted Husband became the active pleasurer again, while I rocked happily. He asked me to hand him a certain toy while he told me what he was about to do to me and how he knew I was going to respond. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gazing into his eyes, I came in about 6 seconds, which surprized the heck out of both of us. How'd we do that? We're too tired!
After I caught my breath, we switched to our favorite finish position. Delighted Husband positioned me the way he wanted me, which is such a small simple thing, but I love that because it demonstrates our being relaxed and comfortable and his matter-of-fact intent to take me which is just such an emotional rush. I have no idea how long we made love because time stood still. Smiling into his eyes while watching my husband come is one of the sweetest spiritual and emotional experiences I've ever had. He is magnificent.
Once we came back down to earth, told each other it was time for a quick shower and then sleep, cause we really were tired. Shower was shared and quick with much grinning at each other. I happened to glance at the clock on my way back to bed from the shower. It was 9:30!
"Oh My God! Honey, look, soup to nuts this whole lovemaking was 30 minutes! Can you believe it?" To say we both thanked God would be putting it mildly. I thank God for the toy and pillows that helped us coax pleasure out of an evening when the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. I suspect that the DHA and EPA supplements I took for the last few days may have had something to do with my quick response. (I'm on The Orgasmic Diet which is another article). Most of all, I believe miracles still happen. Even in the marriage bed. I blame this miracle on our generous loving God rewarding our small act of faith of locking the door even though we were too tired.
I hope you enjoyed this memory as much as I did! Happy Flashback Friday!
|
I'm seated on a big fluffy Zepplin pillow. My beautiful sweet dog is sleeping on the floor at my feet. I've just watched a fun romantic comedy chick flick after I got off the phone with a friend who called to wish me well with my sweetheart. My friend knows us both and is very happy to see our relationship give us both a lot of joy.
Tonight Ex invited me over for dinner. It was really good. I sat at his new table and enjoyed a meal that Ex prepared for the DC and me. The mood was cordial. Friendly even. We were able to show love to each other even though we aren't together anymore.
This weekend I took my DC camping. I've not done tent camping in years! But we did it! While we huddled together to keep warm in the cold, DC told me "Mom this is the best birthday ever." Oh and I've learned a bonus from having a big dog. They help keep your family warm at night! I've always been a 'no pets on the bed' person. But in 40 degree weather in a tent, I'll make an exception!
I got caught up on sleep today and the DC and me had a lazy day snuggling on the sofa with the dog and watching movies. I even slept through church. Ssssh! Don't tell! (giggle) This corporate gig had been kicking my butt with long days with 6 hours of sleep night after night and after a short night of camp sleep, I was heavy-lidded and ready for some Zzzs.
Before we left on our trip, my car needed to go in the shop and I couldn't get off work to take it. My awesome parents gave me a ride to work and babysat my car at the shop.
Simple pleasures. Sleep. Dinner with my family. Talking to people who love me..my sweetheart and friends. Bonding with my pet. My awesome parents. Finding out that even though Ex and I are divorced, we and the children are still a family.
All of this is grace, pure grace. And I am thankful.
I am more loved now than ever before.
More cherished
more respected
my deep heart is truly seen and heard.
My heart is so full! I just want to hold this moment. <3
